


The Power of Pain

by Ladyhawk_lhflu



Series: Alpha [8]
Category: Stargate - All Media Types, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M, Original Character Death(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-25 18:03:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20728466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladyhawk_lhflu/pseuds/Ladyhawk_lhflu
Summary: The first one is always the worst one. Never forget it.





	The Power of Pain

Teyla opened the door to the exercise room when John announced his presence. "He is hiding his nose under the weights. I will not scold him as if he were a pet, but if he shifts too far, he will hurt himself."

John sighed. This was bad. Rodney was rather clumsy in wolf form. He preferred to be human most of the time, so maneuvering on four legs was difficult for him.

Another worry came to the Colonel as he walked over to the shivering wolf. Rodney might feel he deserved to be hurt. The situation wasn't his fault. It was just part of being lightyears away from home. Hell, even on Earth, these things happened. Death was part of life.

That fact never made it easier to those who cared. Rodney might have acted like he was above everyone from time to time, but it was just that, an act. He cared for those around him quite a bit. He had trouble expressing it at times, but it was there if you turned your head sideways. Why else would John rush out of their quarters at 2 am to find his mate making a swing set for the Athosian children on one of the piers?

The pack also cared for their Alpha. John had come back with Jerrin's body. The lieutenant had been relatively new, so respects were paid as he was brought through the gate. But nobody looked distraught until John had asked where Rodney was.

"He nearly fainted when you said you were coming in with a body," Cadman sighed worriedly. "He wanted to be the good Alpha and pay respect to the one he lost. But even Dr. Weir thought he was looking too green in the face to be here."

Elizabeth nodded and pulled John to one side. "I sent him to Dr. Beckett, but Carson said he never arrived in the infirmary. Now either his headset isn't working or he's ignoring it."

John suspected the latter. So he asked, "Did Zelenka try to find him?"

"Yes, but all he can tell us is that Rodney didn't go to your quarters or to a pier. Those are the only cameras that he can't tamper with. They have a redundant circuit."

John ran a hand through his hair worriedly. "This was bound to happen eventually. But I still feel guilty for not being here for him. He has gotten to the point of being afraid to look weak to anyone. Because he is afraid of being challenged by someone unfit to be Alpha. So he forgoes support when he needs it."

"There is one person Rodney trusts who isn't part of the pack," Elizabeth suggested.

"What? Oh!" John tapped his head immediately upon figuring out who Elizabeth was referring to. "Teyla, where are you?"

"We are in the exercise room by Pier 3," was said into his ear.

Teyla didn't need to say who 'we' consisted of. So John nodded to Elizabeth, made sure Beckett arrived to take care of Jerrin, then ran towards Pier 3.

====

John sat next to the canine form of his husband, careful to not bump the weights above the wolf's head. He didn't say anything at first. He just stroked Rodney's back. Then he carefully shifted the wolf so his muzzle fell into John's lap.

Teyla sat next to them. She put her hand above Rodney's back. When John nodded, she stroked Rodney's back like John had.

John kissed the top of Rodney's head. "It wasn't your fault. There was a bunch of mercenaries hiding from the Wraith on the planet. They didn't seem the type to ask for help. But we offered to be lookouts for a day or two. They decided they wanted Jerrin's P-90 instead. They shot him with it when he protested."

Rodney whimpered.

Teyla's hand was warm on Rodney's back as she said, "All leaders should understand that their decisions have consequences for everyone under them. You do your best to prevent unnecessary pain. But there always will be that pain you cannot prevent. So you must feel it with your people."

John tilted Rodney's head so he could meet his eyes. "Everyone in the gateroom knows that's exactly what you're doing. They know you ran because you were afraid you killed him. But you still have to convince the rest. This is part of your job now. The pack needs you to mourn so that we can wake up tomorrow and continue on with you."

Rodney transformed back to human and sat on the floor, naked and shivering. "This is as bad as finding that Gall killed himself."

John wrapped his arms around Rodney as Teyla covered them both with a blanket somebody left in a corner. "Gall made a choice," John whispered. "I wondered if he made that choice for you. Jerrin chose to come with us because he didn't want us to lose our botanists. He went to search for vegetables because he felt their knowledge was too important to risk losing. He went for all of us. And like with Gall, I intend to honor his choice in the best way I know how. I will continue our mission."

Rodney sat up straight with a sigh. "This may be the hardest thing I ever do."

"It should be," John said sharply, then let his tone even out. "The routine of it will get easier. But struggling through it tonight will give you something to remember when it starts to feel too easy."

Rodney saw the pain in John's eyes. At some point, it had felt too easy for him. So he squeezed John's hand. "Help me?"

John shook himself out of his memories. "Of course."

That night, out on the balcony above Pier 2, a single howl went up towards the stars. A moment later, a chorus of howls followed the same path. 

They cried into the darkness for a good ten minutes. Then one by one, the wolves changed to humans. As they did, the Athosians, who were now as naked as the wolves, joined hands with them. All of them sang an Athosian mourning song as they watched Beckett and Lorne set Jerrin's body gently into the ocean, to become part of the cycle of life in the home he had chosen. 

When the song ended, Rodney let the botanists say a few words for the Marine they had called theirs. A few more people spoke, including John and Elizabeth.

Then it was Rodney's turn. He didn't have much to say. He hadn't known Jerrin well. But he said the inevitable words. "Lieutenant Jerrin would want us to continue."

Then he added his own words. "He knew that the only way we could do that is by standing next to each other and being willing to lend a hand. Let's make sure we don't get so distracted in our work that we forget that."

He took a botanist's hand, then an Athosian's. Then with Cadman's help, he sang a few Beatles songs that he had heard Jerrin sing while he had waited in the gateroom. Others joined in and even helped the Athosians learn the verses.

As the singing continued, Rodney let himself breathe. He had gotten through the ceremony and he had given their pack member the respect he deserved. 

It had been painful. But that was the way it was supposed to be.

He would do his best to never forget.


End file.
